Bumble Tries to Understand Soccer enough to watch the World Cup, Help wanted!


Every four years the world enjoys a spectacle of magnanimous proportions centered around the most popular sport in the world, futbol! And every four years Americans are forced to face the fact that most of us just don’t get it. Despite being of Persian decent, Bumble was born and raised in the USA and is no exception.

Today Bumble attempted to watch the USA vs. England and get in the spirit. Instead this was just a stark reminder that non-American foreigners simply do not think like Americans. First of all we call it soccer. 300 million of us. 300 million people can’t be wrong. But somehow the other 5.7 billion people on the planet call this futbol. Once again proving that most other countries are just stupid or nuts.

Kim Jong-Il calls soccer futbol.

Kim Jong-Il calls soccer futbol too.

Bumble digresses and inserts a picture of Kim Jong-Il just to prove his point. Nevertheless, Bumble didn’t want to be left totally out. Heck, maybe this game is really fun to watch. Why not give it a chance? It has to be better than Nascar anyway. So Bumble tuned in for the USA vs. England. Immediately, Bumble started to notice some things that “futbol” is doing wrong. Oh, on the surface it seems like they at least got some things right. It is a two team sport with 11 players on each side. It’s played in two halfs. So far so good.

Uh oh, they are 45 minute halves. Well at least it isn’t 3 periods like infidel hockey. Unfortunately Bumble noticed the clock was running forward and not counting down like in real sports. That was the first WTF moment for Bumble from South Africa.

It also became apparent quickly that for some reason, bees or hornets are apparently sexually attracted to soccer balls.

One trillion horny bees descend on the World Cup

Shoo horny bee! Shoo!!!

Throughout the game you could hear the constant drone of what must have been trillions of buzzing insects. It became maddening! After just a few minutes of listening to this, Bumble could feel his shoulders tighten. It wasn’t the action of the game, it was the sound. Good lord make it stop! Buzzzz Buzzzz Buzzzz… Arrrrrgh!

At halftime they finally broke to the announcers and the incessant buzzing stopped. The score was tied 1-1. Bumble innocently started to ask Daddy some questions. His response was rolled eyes and some unprintable dialogue. It included something to the effect of “why not google it if you want to know?!”

Unfortunately, Bumble has been banned from Google due to recent uh incidents involving Googlebot. So if anyone knows about soccer please help Bumble and answer the following questions.

1. Why the hell don’t they get some bug spray and kill some of those damn buzzing bees?

2. Why does the stupid clock run forwards?

3. Why doensn’t someone just grab the ball and slam dunk it? Bumble could see using only your feet if it was a bunch of cats running around out there. But these are people with wonderful opposable thumbs!

4. How the hell can a bracket game end in a tie?

5. How the hell does halftime come at 47 minutes when it is a 45 minute period?

6. Why can’t they wait until they get to the locker room to take their shirts off?

7. How do they decide who is in group A, B, C, etc. Bumble is looking for a pattern but it doesn’t make much sense. Bumble would expect all the oil countries to be in one group, maybe all the third world countries in another. But this is just a mess. What to South Korea, Argentina, Nigeria and Greece have in common?!?! Are they all in the Pac 10?

8. Where the hell is Persia? Persia is not even on the bracket!

9. Where is Dick Vitale? How can you have any fun with bracketology without Dickie V!?

10. And finally, WTF is this?? How does Bumble bet on this stupid thing? Match 52? Match 51? They can’t put some flags on here?

FTW Cup

WTF is this???

Right now Bumble is so verklempt he needs to have a beer and watch some baseball or something that makes sense.

Please, if you know any of these answers help a Bumble out and comment below.

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4 Responses to Bumble Tries to Understand Soccer enough to watch the World Cup, Help wanted!

  1. Jen says:

    Hi Bumble! As a fan and former neighbor, I’ll try to help. To help with the transition to the tournament, the mascot for this year’s World Cup may be a relative of yours — Zakumi the Leopard. I don’t have all the answers, but here’s what I do know:

    A2. Clock runs forward to show progression of the half/ match.

    A5. At the discretion of the referee, time may be added to the standard 45 minute half to account for stoppages in play (injuries, cards, etc).

    A4. In the first round, points are assigned to wins (3 points), ties (1 point), and losses (0 points). In case of a tie in points, the goals scored are compared (goal differential) and the team who scored the most goals advances.

    A6. If we were as fit as they were, we would show off, too.

    A7. Pretty much a lottery, but trying to keep teams that are in the same regions for qualifying purposes from meeting in the first rounds of the World Cup tourney.

    A8. Dear Bumble, the rest of the world no longer recognizes Persia as an actual country. They call it Iran.

    A10. The bracket you posted will look better once the first round is complete, and you should be able to find a flag version then.

    Good luck!

  2. bumblenation says:

    Thank you! Do you know about the swarming sound? What is with the buzzing?

  3. Jen says:

    It’s probably those annoying plastic horns… Still don’t have channels for the tv, so I’m just guessing.

  4. bumblenation says:

    Aha! Bumble looked it up on wikipedia. Bumble can at least go there! It is called a Vuvuzela or Lepatata. It’s a stadium horn that South Africans blow into. Why they would want to attract horny bees is anyone’s guess. Don’t they have killer bees in South Africa??? Soccer fans are silly, and despite the World Cup it remains a mystery to Bumble.

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