Every four years the world enjoys a spectacle of magnanimous proportions centered around the most popular sport in the world, futbol! And every four years Americans are forced to face the fact that most of us just don’t get it. Despite being of Persian decent, Bumble was born and raised in the USA and is no exception.
Today Bumble attempted to watch the USA vs. England and get in the spirit. Instead this was just a stark reminder that non-American foreigners simply do not think like Americans. First of all we call it soccer. 300 million of us. 300 million people can’t be wrong. But somehow the other 5.7 billion people on the planet call this futbol. Once again proving that most other countries are just stupid or nuts.
Bumble digresses and inserts a picture of Kim Jong-Il just to prove his point. Nevertheless, Bumble didn’t want to be left totally out. Heck, maybe this game is really fun to watch. Why not give it a chance? It has to be better than Nascar anyway. So Bumble tuned in for the USA vs. England. Immediately, Bumble started to notice some things that “futbol” is doing wrong. Oh, on the surface it seems like they at least got some things right. It is a two team sport with 11 players on each side. It’s played in two halfs. So far so good.
Uh oh, they are 45 minute halves. Well at least it isn’t 3 periods like infidel hockey. Unfortunately Bumble noticed the clock was running forward and not counting down like in real sports. That was the first WTF moment for Bumble from South Africa.
It also became apparent quickly that for some reason, bees or hornets are apparently sexually attracted to soccer balls.
Throughout the game you could hear the constant drone of what must have been trillions of buzzing insects. It became maddening! After just a few minutes of listening to this, Bumble could feel his shoulders tighten. It wasn’t the action of the game, it was the sound. Good lord make it stop! Buzzzz Buzzzz Buzzzz… Arrrrrgh!
At halftime they finally broke to the announcers and the incessant buzzing stopped. The score was tied 1-1. Bumble innocently started to ask Daddy some questions. His response was rolled eyes and some unprintable dialogue. It included something to the effect of “why not google it if you want to know?!”
Unfortunately, Bumble has been banned from Google due to recent uh incidents involving Googlebot. So if anyone knows about soccer please help Bumble and answer the following questions.
1. Why the hell don’t they get some bug spray and kill some of those damn buzzing bees?
2. Why does the stupid clock run forwards?
3. Why doensn’t someone just grab the ball and slam dunk it? Bumble could see using only your feet if it was a bunch of cats running around out there. But these are people with wonderful opposable thumbs!
4. How the hell can a bracket game end in a tie?
5. How the hell does halftime come at 47 minutes when it is a 45 minute period?
6. Why can’t they wait until they get to the locker room to take their shirts off?
7. How do they decide who is in group A, B, C, etc. Bumble is looking for a pattern but it doesn’t make much sense. Bumble would expect all the oil countries to be in one group, maybe all the third world countries in another. But this is just a mess. What to South Korea, Argentina, Nigeria and Greece have in common?!?! Are they all in the Pac 10?
8. Where the hell is Persia? Persia is not even on the bracket!
9. Where is Dick Vitale? How can you have any fun with bracketology without Dickie V!?
10. And finally, WTF is this?? How does Bumble bet on this stupid thing? Match 52? Match 51? They can’t put some flags on here?
Right now Bumble is so verklempt he needs to have a beer and watch some baseball or something that makes sense.
Please, if you know any of these answers help a Bumble out and comment below.