Love is in the air this week! Venus, the planet of romance, enters fiery Leo on Monday, setting the stage for “le grande passion”! Watch how quickly ardor heats up when meeting someone special. Inner strength will be on tap on Tuesday, when dynamic Mars trines powerful Pluto. It’s a great time to stop smoking or overeating. On Sunday logic takes precedence over emotion.
Horrorscope: Bumble had to look up “trines”. Here is the definition and some idea where this is going for all of us.
1. Threefold; triple.2. a. Of or relating to an astrologically favorable positioning of two celestial bodies 120° apart.b. In astrology, situated 120° apart.
1. A group of three.2. In astrology, the aspect of two planets when 120° apart.
There seems to a be a lot of gods/planets entering each other, and Bumble likes the noun “a group of three”. Meowhahahaha.
The Ram: March 21st – April 20th
Productivity is your watchword this week, Aries. Enthusiasm and drive are two of your best traits. On Tuesday Mars, your ruler, trines Pluto and you’ll have a strong desire to get busy. Try not to let your frustration show when you interact with your relative. Everyone needs a helping hand occasionally. You may be tempted to blow your diet on Saturday.
Horrorscope: Delicious! We already have two gods trining each other! Bumble asks you rhetorically, why does the universe make horrorscopes so easy for him?
You’ll be ready to get busy alright, but it looks like your Dominant Master will be cheating on you with your sister/brother instead. Good Heavens! You better not let them know that this irritates you, as it would hardly be good submissive behavior. On Saturday you will take out your anger on the Old Country Buffet and be asked to leave.
The Bull: April 21st – May 20th
Horoscope: Taurus, your energy level will amp up this week as your ruler, Venus, enters fiery Leo on Monday. You’ll possess a new sense of boldness and become quite daring. It’s possible you’ll buy a new wardrobe, dramatically highlight your hair, or consider body art. On Friday an associate may try to talk you into an unwise course of action. Remember that it’s OK to say no, even to a close friend. On Sunday you’ll deal with a nagging health issue.
Horrorscope: Goodness, now we have Venus the goddess of Love entering the lion Leo! Rawr! Apparently the heavens have some sort of uh, well toys. When your ruler, the female goddess of love starts buggering a lion it is not surprising that you may feel compelled to get some highlights and a disguise. Friday someone will attempt to convince you to also bugger a big cat. Don’t do it! It didn’t work for Siegfried and Roy and it won’t work for you.
Not surprisingly Sunday you will have to deal with a nagging health issue. Bumble recommends Monistat 7.
The Twins: May 21st – June 20th
Horoscope: A friend wants to have some fun, Gemini. You’ll be called into action by a close companion on Tuesday. Your associate will take you places you’ve never been before. Miscommunication will be the norm on Friday when the Moon in Virgo squares your ruler, Mercury, in quicksilver Gemini. Words will take on new meaning, especially if you speak very quickly. Take a careful approach when talking to others. Family issues are a part of the weekend scenario.
Horrorscope: Tuesday a “close companion” will invite you to a good old fashioned trining! This appears to mean a randy little threesome since we’ve got Virgo squaring your ruler Mercury who is somehow in “quicksilver Gemini” at the time. Here comes the pain train! Woo woo! Words will take on a new meaning… Note to you: Remember the safety word.
The Crab: June 21st – July 21st
Horoscope: You’ll be in a good mood early this week. You’re ruled by the emotional Moon and your feelings often zigzag from sad to glad. On Tuesday the Moon conjuncts Venus in sunny Leo and you’ll be walking on top of the clouds. It may be hard to concentrate on Thursday. Your thoughts will meander, and it will be difficult to maintain a concise train of thought. Don’t deal with complex issues. A secret comes to light on Saturday.
Horrorscope: Good news for you, it doesn’t appear you will be involved in any absurd, almost French, sexual trysts this week. However, you will somehow be put on an emotional high watching some Greek tart bugger a poor Lion. WTF is wrong with you? That’s some sick stuff that YouTube would even pull. When they say “Don’t deal with complex issues” they are not kidding. You have more issues than National Geographic. Saturday keep an eye on the cat, he may call Jerry Springer and tell all. You sicken Bumble and not in an exciting way! Death to you!
The Lion: July 22nd – August 21st
Horoscope: Leo, get ready to receive a big boost of positive energy. The week starts on a high note when Venus enters sunny Leo on Monday. You’ll be brimming over with confidence. Give a wish list another look on Saturday. It’s time to update your aspirations.
Horrorscope: Get ready to receive a big something alright! By now we all know what kind of lion you are, and frankly you make the Cowardly Lion look positively butch. Apparently you will be brimming with confidence this week?? After what she did to you?!?! Good lord, seek help. “It’s time to update your aspirations.” Indeed, indeed it is.
The Virgin: August 22nd – September 21st
Horoscope: Decisions, decisions! You’ll employ your considerable brainpower on Tuesday, Virgo. You have a tough choice to make, one that will stretch the limits of your analytical mind. Sit down with pad and paper and list your options. Don’t rush to judgment on Friday. Before losing your cool, check to be sure the facts are correct.
Horrorscope: Sounds like you are the insignificant other this week. Bumble guesses when everyone is behaving like a prisoner during a riot someone has to be the warden. Sorry to say that your significant other will either be violated by a mythical grecian trollop, involved in a randy threesome or at best develop a nasty yeast infection… Probably time to move on. Oh sure for a brief second you should be politically correct and consider that a little experimentation doesn’t necessarily make them a whack job. And wait for it… ok now move on.
The Scales: September 22nd – October 22nd
Horoscope: Change is coming, Libra! Get ready for new experiences to jazz up your regular routine. On Monday an exciting event will occur. You may find a new friend or learn of a new opportunity. Your charm quotient will be high. Wanderlust hits on Wednesday. You’ll have the urge to see parts of the globe you’ve only dreamed of visiting. Fortune will be fickle when the Moon in Libra opposes Jupiter on Saturday. This isn’t the weekend to buy lottery tickets.
Horrorscope: Change is coming eh? Well, Bumble isn’t surprised since the cosmos is having a Roman orgy. Watch out for your charm, it will lead you into some delicious but dangerous uh positions. The urge to see other parts of the globe will be a consequence of finding out that these new positions are illegal in may counties, states and countries! By Wednesday you will apparently be on the run. Don’t stop to buy scratch off tickets, that would be how you get apprehended. If you do get caught, look forward to even more new experiences… in prison!
The Scorpion: October 23rd – November 21st
This week you might consider entering into a business partnership with a relative or neighbor. This could show promise of success, Scorpio, and is definitely worth serious consideration. You’ll want to be sure it’s right for you, so caution is recommended. You might even get around to considering the nitty-gritty of a possible agreement, but for the most part, it isn’t likely that you’ll be making any final decisions yet. You might start a garden or put some potted herbs on the kitchen windowsill.
Horrorscope: Well this is just like you isn’t it? The rest of the world is getting horizontal and you get distracted by a crazy business idea. Schmuck. On the bright side, your chronic inability to actually commit will keep you from really entering into anything significant on the business front. You don’t have to be Nostradamus to know that partnerships with family don’t end well. You just have to watch Gordon Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares a few times. In the end, your grand designs on a new business will end with you planting some pot seeds and putting them on your windowsill. Stop watching Breaking Bad, you are no Heisenberg.
The Archer: November 22nd – December 20th
Horoscope: Sagittarius, you love visiting new places. Venus enters fiery Leo and your zone of travel on Monday, and the urge to explore new landscapes will be overwhelming. You’ll be feeling disgruntled on Thursday. It will be hard to please you, no matter how hard your associates try. It might be a good idea to spend some time alone until your mood improves. You’ll be in a positive mindset on Saturday. Mental storm clouds will lift and positive optimism will return.
Horrorscope: Sadly you too will be effected by the defiling of the lion. The cards don’t seem to include you in any of the orgiastic shenanigans this week, so it is understandable you will be pissy. By Thursday you will be unbearable to deal with and everyone will stop trying. Bumble suggests you just get a hooker/escort. They have to keep trying to please you even if it’s impossible. By Saturday you will feel better. Hmmm that’s a real freakin reach isn’t it? Thank you sooo much star chart masters of the cosmic obvious. Of course you will feel more positive on Saturday, it’s freakin Saturday! Who writes these stupid horoscopes anyway? A troop of lobotomized lemurs? Bumble digresses… Uh, have a good week and you probably shouldn’t hire a hooker. That was probably Bumble projecting his own neutered frustration on you. Bumble’s bad.
The Sea – Goat: December 21st – January 19th
Horoscope: Capricorn, this week you’ll discover your inner boldness! You usually err on the side of caution, which is OK, but it isn’t a good idea to let fear overwhelm you. On Tuesday dynamic Mars trines powerful Pluto in Capricorn and you’ll step outside your comfort zone. Life will be extremely hectic on Friday. You may rush from one event to another and be pulled in different directions. On Saturday you’ll encounter delays as you go about your regular routine.
Horrorscope: Oh dear! Your inner boldness seems to take you outside your comfort zone and you will be pulled in different directions. Friday you will be very, very popular and apparently all at the same time as you become a condiment on the Mars – Pluto sandwich. Good for you, you naughty, filthy whore! Friend Bumble on Facebook. Oh, Saturday you will have trouble with your regular routine, like standing, walking, pooping… well Bumble doesn’t need to draw you a picture. It will have been worth it though. At least for Bumble. 😉
The Water-Bearer: January 20th – February 18th
Horoscope: Change is harder for you than friends and family may believe. You’re of the Fixed Quality. Once you’ve settled on a specific course of action, you rarely deviate. On Monday you’ll deal with unexpected developments in a certain situation. Ultimately, you’ll be happy the change occurred. Inspiration will flow on Wednesday. It’s a great time to flex your artistic muscles. Positive vibrations will abound when the Sun trines Neptune in Aquarius on Saturday. You’ll realize how gifted you are.
Horrorscope: Well it looks like you are of the Fixed Quality. Bummer. Bumble knows how it is to be fixed. Unfortunately you are set in your ways and even the powerful hippie lovefest in the stars won’t seem to wake you out of your rut. At least not until Wednesday when you realize you don’t need to be with someone to enjoy the sexual tension in the universe. You’ll be inspired to flex your artistic muscles and fashion a cucumber as “Mr. Right”. By Saturday that will have gotten old and you will just give in and buy a “device”. Then those “positive vibrations” will really abound! Batteries not included.
The Fishes: February 19th – March 20th
Horoscope: You’re very empathetic, Pisces. On Monday your urge to help others will increase. You might volunteer at a soup kitchen or consider mentoring a child. A wish will come true when Mars trines transformative Pluto in your zone of hopes and dreams on Tuesday. You have a secret desire you’ve never shared with anyone. Now you’ll see your dream become a reality. Family issues prove troubling this weekend. Don’t look at your loved ones through rose-colored glasses.
Horrorscope: Awwww look at the cute empathetic Pisces! You like rainbows on roses and whiskers on kittens. Monday you will set out to change the world. Good for you! Volunteer at a soup kitchen, mentor a child, or just do a few little things to brighten someone else’s day. Bumble loves people with empathy. They are good at petting. Your most secret unshared desire will become a reality when Mars buggers … er …. trines Pluto. Ok, well that says something about what your most secret unshared desires are probably like but who is Bumble to judge someone that volunteers at soup kitchens? Nobody that’s who. Bumble doesn’t need the Karma associated with picking on the only astrological sign that didn’t make this week all about themselves.
The rest of you should be ashamed of yourselves. Hey, quit that fornicating and hang your heads in shame! HEY!